I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
