it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
