After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
