i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
