I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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