Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
