based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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