shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
