I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Vodka?
Forever.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
