Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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