totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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