Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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