I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
