Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
