the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So drunk its hurt
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
