The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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