Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
