Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
