Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
