Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
