Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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