just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
