I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
