dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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