You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
