I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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