She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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