Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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