Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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