Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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