I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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