Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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