I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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