I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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