did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
