Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
