I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
