hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
