I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
