Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
