I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the condom got lost in my hair
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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