Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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