I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
