I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
