you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
