i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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