i just had sex bonerless
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
