I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
