just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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