my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
