I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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